Thursday, August 9, 2007

C'mon...

...So, we all know certain things happen when you're pregnant, right? One of these things is I have to pee...a lot. At each session I get about two drips. Another thing that happens to some, me included, is that you get the sense of smell of a large bloodhound; EVERYTHING smells stronger to me these days. Keeping these two phenomenons in mind, I decided today at a work lunch, that having a large helping of asparagus was a great idea. I have subsequently had about 30 dribble asparagus stinky pees. It is grossing me out. I will not be eating asparagus for a long-ass (will this pass?) time.

...I went next door to ask for some salt and pepper for my mac and cheese and this assmunch of a gaymonkeysbutt says "ARE YOU HAVING TWINS" NO! I'm not having twins... you say that every time I see you! He's said this like 5 times before...Then he says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" I say, "boy" and he proceeds to say.... "ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT A BOY AND A GIRL???"

... I have the WORST road rage ever. I did before I got preggo, but since then it's only gotten progressively worse. I cuss like a sailor at every assmonkey who goes 50 in the fast lane, or refuses to let me over when they clearly see me with my signal on, or motorcycles who drive on the shoulder when traffic is backed up because they're too special to wait in line with the rest of us.

...I have turned into Captain Gasbag. I am SO uncomfortable, I can't eat anything without getting horrible gas pains and burping & farting like a big fat man who just downed a half rack of PBR in two minutes flat. And how embarrassing is it to have your six year old say, "Mom, you need to warn somebody before you crack one off like that!"

...Have I mentioned lately how much I would like a margarita? I would. Several in fact. A pitcher would be good. And a straw. A bendy one, those are fun.

... I would so totally be ready to have this baby already if I could just hold a coherent thought for long enough to actually solidify the. . . ah, man. I completely forgot where I was going with that. . .damn.

...I think it's gross that guys call me "sexy pregnant lady" at work, but I'm taking any compliments I can get at this point, so I grin whenever they make that corny ass remark.

7 comments:

Billy said...

Ladies and Gents, I present to you the hormones of a pregnant woman. Please, stand back, it's for your own personal well being.

I don't mean to laugh, but, like the blog says, I'll laugh if I want to. Just from a safe distance.

HUGS to you! and my condolences to your men.

Miss Understood said...

Oh God. That brought back memories. When I was pregnant I used to get SO cold. That's because Dan's Dad insisted on leaving ALL the windows open in MID WINTER because of the smell eminating from my posterior.

You're not alone honey!

Evening said...

I want an HNT of your belly. PLEEASEEEEE!!!! I am one of those people that goes up to pregnant women and has to touch their tummy. Since I can't touch your would you consider giving me a little peek. Please.
xo

for a different kind of girl said...

I love how guys think we're all sexy when pregnant and we see ourselves as the waddling gas bags with fluctuating temperatures and moods. Hell, I didn't fell all *that* sexy when I got myself into the predicament of actually *becoming* pregnant...

Monica said...

Now Luke, he's a charmer!

I resembled all of that when I was pregnant. This too shall pass......and yes, one day, asparagus will most certainly regain its appeal.

Call me. I'll wait in the delivery room with a pitcher and blender.

Devilbluedress said...

It does bring back memories. I used to smell everything. Still can't stand the smell of coffee.

Sweetie, you need to post your due date on the blog! In big letters for us.

I do remember that sex was fun with those hormones raging. We explored things we had never done then! That was actually what seemed to break my water and start my labor later on!

Green Eyes said...

LMAO! Ah, the joys!

And, the road rage? It's not just because of the pregancy, trust me! lol

You're beautiful, April!