Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Yes...all of this is true.

...yesterday I dragged hubby to the "toy store", got a new vibe, a naughty video with firemen "rescuing" women. He was quite happy with me, and now I have a brand new toy. My libido has morphed into that of a 16 year old boy and I kind of love it!

...the little one has decided it would be fun to shove his foot into my bladder and kick the same spot over and over. I have tried reasoning with him to no avail, and it is starting to hurt! He is sooo grounded when he decides to make his appearance.

...last night I had a dream that I had sex with Lionel Richie. Afterwards, I made him sing me "Ballerina Girl". I am a dork...and yes, I do have his greatest hits cd in my car right now.

...assmonkey makes me laugh.

...I am starting to really get bothered by skinny pregnant women. There are a few I know - one is complaining about being 114 pounds right now. WTF - my right ass cheek weighs 114 pounds! It is about to eclipse the sun. Soon the entire world is going to be plunged into darkness - it will not be the Apocalypse - it is my great big giant ass!

...I am just totally jealous and dumb - I know it. I am kind of excited about going on a diet in three months though, and THAT is weird, who gets excited about dieting? I just want my body back!

...I have a rash and I look like a giant lizard right now - my entire neck is red and scaly. Ah, the wonders of being pregnant never cease to amaze me. So much of it is so attractive: the scales, farting, and size. I am surprised the komodo dragons and/or warthogs are not trying to escape from the nearest zoo right now to come try to mate with me. If you see any passing by, tell them I expect dinner first!

...I wanted to shoot this naked old lady in the gym lockerroom the other day. She said to me, and I quote, "When are you due?" I responded November. Something in her head told her this was the best response to that, "My God, you're going to be huge! Are you sure you're not having twins? You still have (counts on her fingers) four months to go!" I smiled a very patronizing smile (you know, when you scrunch up your nose, close your lips and pretend to smile?) and walked away. What I would have loved to say but didn't: "Look you old, flabby, disgustingly naked assmonkey, I'm pregnant. What's your excuse for that belly?"

9 comments:

Billy said...

that just makes me want you in so many ways! you have no idea.

you sound great and I am so happy for you.

death to assmonkeys!

kisses to you and I still wanna rub that belly.

Evening said...

I want to rub your belly too!! I am sooooo excited I will be an auntie again in 4 months :)
xo

Monica said...

Darlin', you crack me up!!

Longing to be pregnant again myself. *shhhh, don't tell you-know-who*

My word? Chickenfucker. I have a few in my life and get to use it frequently.

Missing you.

la dolce said...

Have you ever shopped at Babeland? It's like...the best place ever!

Flowerpot said...

good to meet you, April! Don't know how you found me but come by my way again!

Miss Understood said...

LMAO!

Aww, April...enjoy it! If you're gonna be pregnant, you may as well make the most of it! I bet you look gorgeous. x

Devilbluedress said...

Have to smile at the idiots. Baby on the way can make anyone smile...

for a different kind of girl said...

omg, this cracked me up. Lately, I've missed being pregnant (lately as in the last five years), and this reminds me greatly of just why that is!

Billy said...

Back to rub the belly again!

oooh thas nice.

I'd be plumb happy to make you pinas after Ian gets here, they go good with ke ke shots.

smiles.